Let’s be honest, England can’t even talk a good game - Chris Waters

“We’re in a strong position,” claimed Duckett, as though the scores, in fact, were the other way round.

He added that England’s total was “over par, to be honest” and “we are very happy being bowled out for what we got”, insisting that Ben Stokes’s 70 had the look of “a match-winning innings”.

I’m sorry, but as the 16th president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln, observed: “You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.”

Anybody fooled by Duckett’s appraisal would be the sort of individual who goes around saying that the Earth is flat and the moon made out of green cheese.

They would probably have a couple of cocktail sticks protruding from their nose and a tea towel on their head, staring back vacantly at such probing questions as “what is your name?”

Sure enough, Duckett’s words were put into context at the end of a chastening day two in which India lifted their score to 421-7, a lead of 175, on a turning pitch with three fine spinners in their ranks – not so much a strong position for England as a sorry one.

This is not a criticism of Duckett, especially, a seemingly nice fellow and a very fine batsman.

He is just the latest sportsman who appears – institutionalised as they are – to have difficulty in distinguishing fact from reality.

Bazball, of course, is all about accentuating the positives at every turn – no task too big, no cause too great.

Declare with eight wickets down on the first day of an Ashes series? Why not?

Go on to lose the match? Who cares? We’ll just win the next one, or the one after that.

The ability of this England team to take the positives out of any situation is such that were one of its members suddenly sentenced to death – unlikely, I know – that person would probably come out waxing lyrical about the prospect of an 11th-hour reprieve and how guillotine blades have been known to get stuck.

“This isn’t necessarily the end of the road for me,” the condemned man might enthuse. “Yes, the death sentence isn’t ideal, but I’m in great spirits at the moment – helped by the lads, who’ve been great – and who knows what tomorrow may bring.”

There seems to be something about these institutionalised worlds, these mollycoddled environments, that makes grown men say the silliest things. What do you suppose they all said to Tom Hartley after he walked off on day one with figures of 9-0-63-0, his first ball in Test cricket having been whacked for six, his captain having stubbornly kept him on as though disbelieving Einstein’s definition of insanity?

My guess is something along the lines of: “Hey, well bowled, Tommy. On another day, you’d have had five wickets there, fella."

Perhaps much of what we hear is a necessary defence mechanism, a means by which some convince themselves of an antithetical reality to help boost performance.

But although no one would have expected Duckett to come out and say that Hartley bowled poorly, or that England should have picked James Anderson, folk are not stupid. They can see through the hogwash and would rather have honesty.

And the honest truth is, after two days in Hyderabad, England should surely have picked two seamers given the inexperienced nature of their spin-heavy line-up.

They could surely have done with at least one warm-up game – unless anyone seriously thinks that Hartley, or Rehan Ahmed, would not have benefited from going into the match with better bowling rhythm, or Ollie Pope with a few confidence-boosting runs.

And what about Jack Leach, who hadn’t bowled since last summer due to injury? Was he better off playing golf in Abu Dhabi, where England prepared in the modern way?

Let’s face it, England have been poor and do not look match-sharp.

Most of the Indians gave their wickets away, and it is by no means the best batting line-up that they have sent into battle.

England’s spin bowling – with Joe Root the pick, which says everything – has served up a liquorice allsorts collection of full tosses, long hops and the occasional good ball. The gulf in class between the respective spin bowling departments is wider than the Indian Ocean.

Not that this prevented Jeetan Patel, the England bowling coach, from talking Duckett-type drivel at the end of day two.

“The effort the guys put in was immense, through the roof almost… If you walked into the ground and didn’t know the score, you’d almost think we were on top of the game… Today proves what that changing room is about.”

Sadly, that is probably true.

England can’t even talk a good game at the minute, let alone play one.

Welcome boost to TV coverage

THERE has been much criticism of TNT Sports’ coverage of the opening Test, specifically the absence of studio guests/analysis.

As the broadcaster only secured rights to the series at the last minute, there was no opportunity to assemble a punditry team, leaving presenter Matt Floyd to voice coverage on his own.

Personally, I think it’s worked well.

Floyd’s lunch and tea updates - flawless descriptions of the wickets and key moments - has been spot on, and we have not had to put up with former players (still too close to the dressing room to be sufficiently objective) proffering the usual dull opinions.

Make the most of it, though.

They’ll be back in force for the second Test next week.