'Stumping-gate' takes on vaguely humorous air at Headingley

“Pat, disappointed that your integrity has been called into question?” came the opening gambit.

“Doesn’t really bother me, to be honest,” replied Cummins, deadpan.

“I think the way our team has conducted themselves over the last couple of years has been flawless, really,” he expanded. “We’ve been fantastic, and I think that showed again on day five at Lord’s.”

Alright then.

Next question.

“Pat, going back a while, but given the ‘Sandpaper-gate’ thing, a lot of people have raised the question, ‘was an opportunity missed by you to have done something positive by withdrawing the appeal (against Jonny Bairstow)?”

Cummins: “We’ve all moved on. As I said the other day, the team did nothing wrong, so we’re all comfortable.”

A different track perhaps…

“Pat, is the spirit of cricket a real thing or a myth?”

Cummins: “I 100 per cent think it’s a real thing. I think, at times, there’s nuance to it, and everyone might see it a little bit differently, which is fine.”

Okey-dokey.

“Pat, was the spirit of cricket upheld at Lord’s?”

Cummins (smiling): “I think our players were outstanding.”

“Pat, why do you think that some people think so candidly that the spirit of cricket was ignored, and why do you think that your players were exemplary? Those are two quite diametrically opposite sides?”

Cummins (still smiling): “I think there’s issues that come up every Ashes series. English fans think one thing, Australian fans think the opposite. In terms of our players, I thought the way that they conducted themselves in the Long Room was fantastic. Even the Mitchell Starc decision (the disputed catch), the night before, the way our boys accepted the decision and moved on from it really quickly was really good.”

Fair enoughski.

Time for the million dollar question now, Mr C...

“Pat, would you do the same thing again if presented with the opportunity here?

Cummins: “Yep.”

“Pat (amid increasing good humour within the room on the fourth floor of the Seat Unique Pavilion), do you think that the England players’ reaction to what happened, and the fact that they thought you should have withdrawn the appeal, is a smokescreen for the fact they lost the match and are 2-0 down in the series?”

Cummins: “You’ll have to ask them.”

“Pat (the laughter rising), Brendon McCullum says that he thinks you might regret it as time goes on, just as he regretted a similar sort of incident in his career. Do you think he might have a case?”

Cummins: “You’ll have to ask me in the future.”

“You don’t think he might have a point, Brendon?”

Cummins: “At the moment, I’m really comfortable with it, so, yeah, maybe down the track.”

Back-and-forth, cat-and-mouse. What would an Ashes series be without a flashpoint or two?

Earlier, Ben Stokes played the straightest of bats, another captain not retreating from his post-Lord’s stance.

“There was a lot of noise around the incident, but I think the best thing now is to move on from it,” he said.

“The message is, ‘we know what we have to do as a team, and (to the players), do whatever you have to do, feel however you have to feel to get the best out of yourself.’

“The best thing to do from our camp, and probably Australia, is to shut it down and move on, concentrate on the cricket. I don’t think we can be any more galvanised than we already are.”

In a week in which the row has hogged the headlines, resulting in the preposterous intervention of the likes of Rishi Sunak (stick to ruining the country), there is now a faintly pantomime atmosphere to the furore.

Bairstow was out - that much is clear - while the spirit of cricket remains open, as ever, to interpretation. Much ado about precious little, quite frankly.

What cannot be disputed is that the Headingley crowd are unlikely to “shut it down and move on”, as Stokes put it. Not that he would want them to, of course.

“The crowd here is amazing,” said Stokes, who famously roused them into a frenzy four years ago.

“When we’re on top, they get going even more, but even when things are sort of slow and maybe we’re not having the success that we want in any given situation, they’re still going wild. I think they might be a little bit ramped up this week, for some reason.”

Now now, Benjamin.