Expert Answers: Web porn secrets make me feel betrayed

Internet pornography has become so popular partly because it offers a level of anonymity never available before.

Most people simply enjoy keeping their personal thoughts and interests private.

A married man can reasonably keep his wife from discovering his dissatisfaction with their sex life, or teenagers can learn a great deal about the facts of life without their parents' knowledge simply by clicking a link and claiming to be over 18. But what impact this ultimately has on relationships and society is still open to debate.

Many psychologists believe it is possible to become addicted to online pornography.

As with other addictions, this has the potential to cause problems in other aspects of life – like family relations.

Someone who feels they have become addicted to internet porn should seek professional help and/or counselling.

There are also those people who argue that pornography teaches viewers to treat some people as mere objects of lust instead of viewing them as individuals with feelings and unique personalities.

However some argue that most consumers are well-adjusted citizens and that crimes like rape and domestic violence have not increased in any country at the same rate that internet pornography has grown.

In 2007, the estimated value of the pornography industry worldwide was $97bn. The increase in the number of times "adult sex" was used as a search term between 2005 and 2006 was 301bn.

Thirty six per cent of nine to 19-year-olds have accidentally found themselves on a porn website when looking for something else and a 2006 study found that one in four men aged 25-49 in the UK had downloaded pornography in the previous month.

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

The vast majority of men and many women will access internet pornography according to recent research.

It is quite normal behaviour and, while I can understand your feelings, it is not necessarily a major issue unless you decide to make it one. I would advise against this.

What is far more important is the distance of your relationship. I think you need to discuss this with your husband to find out if there is a problem. It maybe that you are perceiving a problem where there is none.

Have you thought about doing something new together like a sudden weekend away or some event that is exciting? It might be that you are both in a rut and need to make some changes to spice up your relationship. It is time to act and take stock of things.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

There are many aspects to a loving relationship, but if the intimate side of things starts to go wrong it can be a big blow to our self-esteem and confidence, creating anxiety and stress.

It may well be that your husband feels that things are not as exciting as they once were and he is using these sites for what he sees as a bit of "harmless" stimulation and fun. He may not realise that this is something that is very hurtful for you and so you do need to talk to him about this.

If I were you I would look on this as an opportunity to re-evaluate your relationship. Just because he is looking at porn sites and has become a little distant from you doesn't mean that he doesn't love you any more.

Talk to each other about how things were in the early days and what you both used to enjoy. It may mean that you have to make some adjustments to your life style to ensure that you do have the opportunity to have some quality time with each other.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

I guess I might be concerned if it were my wife! I would wonder whether everything was okay in the sexual arena or whether something was troubling her about our relationship or indeed whether she was having an affair.

I suspect you are feeling the same, and the only way to deal with it, is not to ignore it or accept his rationalisation that "it is just a bit of fun".

You need to talk, but this should be done during a stress-free time in your busy lives, when the atmosphere feels just right.

You need to talk to him not so much about accessing internet pornography but about why he has become so distant recently, and tell him that you feel he is troubled by something and you need to know what it is.

You also need to tell him how you feel about this distancing, and what his use of this website has made you feel. There is no substitute for open and honest talk – and the sooner the better.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

Long-term relationships, however close and loving, can become predictable and familiar. Sexual relationships in particular, require effort and innovative ideas to remain fresh and interesting.

I can understand your distress at finding your husband accessing pornography as it excludes you and could make you feel as if you are not meeting his expectations in some way. When you feel a little stronger and braver, you could have a conversation with him about it and perhaps introduce fresh excitement into your sex life. Let him know that you have noticed that he has been distant.

Just be sensitive that your husband may be trying to overcome some medical problem such as erectile dysfunction, although this is only one possible explanation for his behaviour.

There are different attitudes to pornography and you may be able to find some middle ground where you are both comfortable, but it is your relationship which needs your attention at this time.