Sarah Coles: Why ‘attachment styles’ inform decisions
I’m not saying I’m old and boring, but my big outing of last week was to the garden centre. And just in case that sounds too gripping, I should mention I spent the best part of half an hour watching my friend agonise over two basically identical pots. I had him written off as overly picky, but he’s a psychologist so he had another theory, and it’s one that apparently has implications for all our finances.
It's a question of Attachment Styles. There are four of these, and they feed into all our relationships – including our financial ones, so it’s worth getting to grips with them.
The first is ‘secure’. This means someone grew up having their needs responded too in a reliable and consistent way. As a result, they have balanced relationships, robust self-esteem, they’re well equipped to handle life’s ups and downs and they trust people.
Nobody is perfect with money, but this group comes close. They’re confident enough to make difficult financial decisions, but they’re not afraid to ask for advice when they need it. They’re happy to trust their partner with money, but they don’t need to lean on them too heavily. They understand their goals and don’t let their emotions stand in their way of achieving them. It means there’s a good chance they’ve built balance and resilience into their finances.
The second style is ‘anxious’. These people had warmth and care from whoever looked after them when they were growing up, but there was inconsistency - so sometimes their needs were met and sometimes they weren’t. As a result, they have underlying anxieties around abandonment, so they need regular reassurance and can be dependent on others.
They tend to be anxious around money, so spending is stressful and difficult and they worry endlessly about running out of cash. In retirement, they can find living off a finite pot particularly concerning, so they might live a needlessly frugal lifestyle. This level of anxiety can also hold them back from things they see as risky, so it may mean they’re afraid to take a first step into investment and miss out on the potential growth over time.
This group tends to focus too much on the needs of other people too, so they let themselves down. They may, for example, run up debts to support others, or neglect their pension or investments because they’re trying to provide for their wider family. They don’t want to upset people or rock the boat either, which can mean they shy away from difficult conversations or struggle to say ‘no’ when they really need to.
The third style is ‘avoidant’. This tends to come from people looking after them in childhood who didn’t respond to their needs, and might have used tough love or just not been very engaged. As a result, they tend to be independent to a fault. Subconsciously, they don’t always have a very positive view of themselves, so they don’t want to admit to any vulnerability or mistakes.
This means they try not to rely on anyone or show any weakness in their financial lives, so they may hide money problems until they get worse. This can mean occasionally dipping into their overdraft before bouncing back, but it can also mean getting into serious debts or falling behind with financial commitments and not being able to share the load.
They can feel that every decision has to be perfect, which is why my friend spent so long choosing pots in the garden centre. This can lead to decision paralysis, which can stop people making a start on vital financial plans, like investing or putting money aside for retirement. The fact that some ‘avoidant’ people might feel negatively about themselves, can also mean they look for ways to help themselves feel better, which can lead to overspending and debts.
The final style is ‘fearful’. This is when someone who looked after them in childhood also made them afraid. This puts them in the worst of all worlds, where they need closeness and reassurance, but when they get it, they feel trapped and want independence. They don’t feel they can rely on people, so they have low levels of trust.
In money terms, they face some of the same difficulties as anxious and avoidant types. They are anxious to the point of hypervigilance, which can mean they worry about money, and can try to avoid risks so miss out on opportunities. They also value independence to a problematic extent.
They can be hard workers and high achievers, keen to prove their worth. However, they may also be tempted to overspend on things associated with status, because how the outside world sees them can feel important.
They may struggle with trust too, so they want full control of their money. It might mean they want to take too much control of joint finances or try to set rigid rules for the household. Being in a relationship with someone like this needs open communication so this hankering for control doesn’t cross a line. In some cases, it may mean you need to keep your finances separate.
These styles are powerful. Anyone can make sensible plans for great reasons and still be undone by underlying patterns of behaviour and emotions. The good news is that this isn’t necessarily something you’re stuck with for life. Just being aware of your style, and where it comes from, can help you manage it. You can take the time to consider your decisions and ask what lies behind your choice, and whether you can meet your needs in a more constructive way.
Finding a better balance can help you make better financial decisions, to ask for help when you need it, take the sensible risks that are right for you, and bring more resilience to your finances. Hopefully it’ll also help you avoid subjecting your friends to long stints in the garden centre, staring at pots.
The inbox of any new leader
If all the uncertainty around the Labour leadership ends with a new Prime Minister, whoever enters Number 10 has some tough decisions ahead: they’ll need to choose whether to stick with the financial policies already in motion or change course.
One major decision is whether to hang onto the manifesto promise not to increase taxes for working people. It has already landed the current government in hot water. A new PM may be tempted to rip off the fiscal straitjacket and increase the rate of income tax or NI to fund their ambitions. However, doing so would be a huge political gamble.
There’s also a chance to revisit some highly problematic policies – and reconsider whether to go ahead with slashing the annual Cash ISA allowance for under-65s from £20,000 to £12,000 from April 2027. Given this is doomed to fail in its aim to get more people investing, and creates reams of complexity, this could be an opportunity to pull the plug.
They could also reconsider plans to include pension funds in an individual’s estate when calculating the inheritance tax due. A new PM could instead choose to adopt one of the approaches the pensions industry has put forward that would raise the same revenue for the government, without the complexity.