Ukraine war: should I talk to my children about Russia's invasion of Ukraine and what should I say?

The war waged by Russia upon Ukraine is headline news around the world, and that makes it almost impossible to protect your children from seeing and hearing about it - so what should we say to children?

The pictures are distressing: already we know that innocent children have been killed and those reports are disturbing even for adults to witness, so what happens when our children are exposed to the newspapers, the radio and the TV news?

The United Nations stated that as of Monday 28th February, 102 civilian innocents have been killed, including seven children. That children are already victims of this attack on Ukraine may well cause our own kids to worry.

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Here James Mitchinson, editor of The Yorkshire Post - dad to two young boys and married to Christa, a professional Early Years Primary School specialist - talks about how he and his wife have been dealing with the subject with their children, aged seven and four.

Q: What should and shouldn't we say to our children about the war in Ukraine?

Well, first of all I should say this isn't a definitive, professional guide. Just my own approach, alongside my wife. I guess what you should and shouldn't say to children about the invasion of Ukraine (I am reluctant to call it a war, given it is an unwarranted invasion) depends on the age of your child. In our experience, when our children were in and around reception age we sometimes felt they were oblivious to what we were watching on the news. At least, seemingly so. Though we now appreciate that whilst you may think your child isn't necessarily paying attention to what you might be watching or listening to, their little minds can and will try to process some of it, and because they are so young they don't always have the cognitive tools to understand what's going on, so I suppose our advice would be to try hard to protect younger children from exposure to what we are seeing in Ukraine at the moment - certainly some of the news footage.

What about slightly older children in primary school?

This is where things get tricky; even in our house we have disagreed on what to do at times, so I think that parental judgement is key. However our eldest when he was aged five or six - and his peer group - became fascinated by the Horrible Histories franchise: Rotten Romans, Terrible Tudors, Awful Egyptians ... Blitzed Brits, for example. These books are amazing tools for educating your children about key historic periods and moments, but they are pretty gruesome in parts and certainly in our experience elicited some tricky conversations for us. If not those stories then through topics and curricula conversations at school.

A Ukrainian child looks through the window of a car stuck in traffic, as her family drives towards the Medyka-Shehyni border crossing between Ukraine and Poland. (Photo by DANIEL LEAL/AFP via Getty Images)A Ukrainian child looks through the window of a car stuck in traffic, as her family drives towards the Medyka-Shehyni border crossing between Ukraine and Poland. (Photo by DANIEL LEAL/AFP via Getty Images)
A Ukrainian child looks through the window of a car stuck in traffic, as her family drives towards the Medyka-Shehyni border crossing between Ukraine and Poland. (Photo by DANIEL LEAL/AFP via Getty Images)
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What that means for us, as a family, is that our eldest even aged five or six wanted to talk about wars and conflicts - albeit in a child's way - so what we have on our hands now is a little boy who asks us tough questions - like why? Why is Vladimir Putin killing people? Killing children ... children just like me? And my view, which I've formed thanks to my wife's expertise in a professional capacity and by my own judgement on what he is and isn't ready for - is to be prepared to talk about it with him when he asks. Think about the answers you might give to their possible questions in advance so that you're ready to offer clear and confident answers, despite the fact that we grown ups are pretty confused by it all, too.

So what should you say to your child about Putin's invasion of Ukraine?

The first thing to say is that that is entirely up to you. I wouldn't want anyone telling me how to parent, so I'm reluctant to preach. There is no formula or template for this, because there is no formula or template for children. Each child is wonderfully unique and you know them better than anyone - remember that.

However, if our approach is useful for other parents then I am happy to share it. Because my wife is an early years specialist, teaching in primary schools - she has worked with young children since the age of 18 - I took the lead from her. Her view is clear; if children want to talk about it, you must be ready to talk about it with them. Don't suppress it or shut it down because chances are they are worried about it and some of their anxieties - because they are so young - may be easily resolved by having a chat with mum or dad. Left to fester and perhaps be made worse in playground discussions, you could be leaving them exposed to more worry. I must say, though, we haven't proactively sat our eldest down for a conversation about it - we haven't had to - but in a house like ours the news is always on, so when he has asked, we have calmly answered his questions. Questions like:

As your own children see Ukranian children impacted by the Russian invasion of war, it is important for parents to be ready to answer their questions. (Photo by Sean Gallup/Getty Images)As your own children see Ukranian children impacted by the Russian invasion of war, it is important for parents to be ready to answer their questions. (Photo by Sean Gallup/Getty Images)
As your own children see Ukranian children impacted by the Russian invasion of war, it is important for parents to be ready to answer their questions. (Photo by Sean Gallup/Getty Images)

Q: Why are Russians killing Ukrainians?

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The only possible answer we could muster to this is, we don't know. There is no way of explaining it. We told our little boy that when wars happen, people get hurt and sometimes lose their life, adding how unacceptable it is, and how sad it is for those people. We were quick to reassure him, though, that we are very lucky in this country to be very well protected and safe - that was key for Harry who can be an anxious little boy - adding that we should be ready to help anyone in Ukraine that might need our help. This was a nice moment as he then began suggesting ways we could help - like sharing toys and sending books. If only we adults retained those childish impulses to be kind to one another.

Q: Why is Mr Putin so angry at Ukraine?

The temptation to tell him that Putin is a deranged, bloodthirsty autocrat hell-bent on world domination is strong, but he'll disocver that in his own time. We told him that Putin has lived for so long in a certain way that he wants everyone to live how he lives, and he wants to set all the rules. This was a nice moment as Harry cottoned on. He asked: "What even in schools and stuff?" Yes, mate. Everywhere. He wants people in Ukraine to only do what he says they can do and if they don't he will get angrier and angrier. That was confusing for Harry, but he did seem to conclude that that wasn't fair.

The advice from an Early Years specialist is to be ready to answer the questions your children might have about the war in Ukraine. Children will become anxious if they don't have what is happening explained to them, with reassurances given, too. (Photo by Sean Gallup/Getty Images)The advice from an Early Years specialist is to be ready to answer the questions your children might have about the war in Ukraine. Children will become anxious if they don't have what is happening explained to them, with reassurances given, too. (Photo by Sean Gallup/Getty Images)
The advice from an Early Years specialist is to be ready to answer the questions your children might have about the war in Ukraine. Children will become anxious if they don't have what is happening explained to them, with reassurances given, too. (Photo by Sean Gallup/Getty Images)

Q: Will he attack us, dad?

(Remember, he is seven): No, mate. We are all going to be ok. But, again, it is important that countries like ours, Boris Johnson the Prime Minister and President Biden in America do everything they can to help. We can't have one person hurting lots of other people, can we?

"Is he a bully, dad?" Yes, mate. I'm afraid he is.

James added: "I hope that is in some way helpful to people. Sadly, there are no easy answers."

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