Kindness takes so much more than sharing online slogans - Jayne Dowle

In the hours following the death of 40-year-old television presenter, Caroline Flack, a flock of posts appeared on social media feeds urging us all to #bekind. Clearly, her untimely passing has deeply affected millions of people. Rightly so, it has once again reignited nationwide debate about the importance of mental health and the availability – or lack thereof – of support.

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It’s perfectly understandable that in our modern age, one way to express sadness and confusion would be to circulate a quote Ms Flack shared on social media herself last December: “In a world where you can be anything, be kind.”

Fashion retailer In The Style has already raised £200,000 for the Samaritans by selling a T-shirt embossed with the abbreviated words. And it’s good to be reminded of the Be Kind anti-bullying campaign, set up Lucy Alexander, a mother whose 17-year-old-son, Felix, took his life in 2016 following a campaign of online harassment. I’m sure that many, many people who are sharing this poignant mantra mean it from the bottom of their hearts.

However, my friend’s observation was more trenchant: “Why is it that most of the people on my Facebook telling us to #bekind are the worst offenders in real life?”.

There you have it. In all the acres of newsprint and hours of airtime that have been expounded trying to come to terms with the terrible truth that a beautiful, talented, seemingly popular and still young woman should find it impossible to carry on, those few words just about summed up our entirely hypocritical attitude to mental health.

These days, I’ve become something of a social media ‘lurker’. After a Twitter run-in with a bunch of ultra-left wingers, who amongst other slurs, accused me of exploitation because they discovered that I had recently bought and renovated my own house, I try not to get too involved. If it hadn’t been so personal, and so factually incorrect, I’d have found the whole ‘property developer/rogue landlord’ thing hilariously pitiful. Life is far too short to get wound up about what people who don’t know you think.

I’ve also found that it’s not always what you do on social media that counts, but what you don’t. In addition to #bekind, another more complex trend has sprung up. Women are urging each other to ‘fix each other’s crowns, ladies… don’t knock them off’. I’ve only had a few tags in this particular exercise. However, I’ve watched horrified as others have scrolled through their friends’ lists, clearly deciding which favoured individuals to tag and who to leave out. It’s supposed to be about empowerment, not re-enacting playground politics.

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I’ve even seen two sisters-in-law play this particular game off against each other. On second thoughts, perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised at that. Yet what kind of message does it send to our own daughters, who surely need all the help they can get to navigate their way through the cruelty of modern life? What does it say to our sons? They are already so easily swayed into using the internet as a filter in their relationships with the opposite sex, blocking out feelings of mutual respect and objectifying and grading girls and women on visual appeal alone.

With respect to the memory of Caroline Flack, taking part in this kind of hypocrisy does absolutely nothing to help strengthen mental health. Indeed, it will actually cause isolated individuals to feel even more wretched. It takes two minutes to type a few words on Facebook, but it demands full focus and concentration to live out kindness every single day. Instead of this easy hashtag – which can actually cause more harm than do good – perhaps we ought to pay heed instead to what I learned decades ago in Sunday School. It comes from the Sermon on the Mount, but it’s applicable to all faiths or none: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

I’m not sure you could fit all those words onto a T-shirt, and certainly not a hashtag, but appreciating what they mean demands more concentration and consideration than a quick glance and a click. And most importantly, they can’t be misconstrued or misappropriated. Also, they encourage our sons and daughters to really appreciate the effects of any negative behaviour.

We would be stronger together, certainly, but getting there demands more effort than spouting a fashionable slogan.