Lavatory logistics on a Northern service from Leeds to Blackpool was a damning indictment of the railways in the region - Andrew Vine
Let’s talk about toilets. Specifically, let’s talk about the toilets on trains, or more accurately the lack of them for passengers shifting uncomfortably in their seats and counting the minutes until they can get off and find a loo.
There were plenty doing just that aboard a packed Northern train from Leeds to Blackpool a few days ago, including the lady in the seat next to me, as we exchanged disbelieving looks on hearing an announcement by the guard.
I’ve had my share of bizarre rail journeys around Yorkshire, but none quite like this. There have been trains that broke down, got stuck in the middle of nowhere, plunged into pitch darkness when the lights went out at night and froze everybody almost solid when the heating failed as we trundled past fields covered in a foot of snow.
Now, on a sunny Saturday morning, my fellow travellers and I were transported back 200 years to the very beginnings of the railways when train journeys proceeded at a leisurely stop-start in order to give those aboard the chance to get off and relieve themselves.
The guard came over the intercom to explain that the train had been sent out to begin its two-hour journey without a working toilet, adding this was a “shambles”, a verdict everybody on board would have agreed with.
He then went on to say that there had been two options before the train left Leeds. He could have refused to let it proceed without a toilet, which would have meant the service being cancelled and everybody getting off to wait for the next one, which would then have been overcrowded.
Or he could set off and make a series of toilet stops at stations along the way, holding the train up while passengers went, and making sure they got back on before allowing it to continue.
And so off we set, with the announcements continuing, including a bit of wise advice to any lads travelling who’d brought a few cans of beer to pass the time that they might want to think twice.
First stop was in 20 minutes’ time at Bradford Interchange, where the guard would escort passengers to the staff toilet at the end of the platform, which he’d unlock, and then bring them back to the train afterwards.
The lady next to me dashed off, along with a dozen other people, and the rest of us just sat and twiddled our thumbs for the next 15 minutes, as the passengers drifted back one by one.
Except we were there so long that other people needed to go, and had to get off as well. Another five minutes or so rolled by.
Eventually we got back under way but then things got a bit complicated because – you guessed it – not only was the train’s toilet out of order, so were a number of those at stations between Bradford and Blackpool.
This ruled out the next scheduled stop, Halifax, the guard told us, and several after that, which meant passengers who hadn’t taken the opportunity at Bradford would have to wait until Burnley, 45 minutes away.
After that, Blackburn was the last chance for a working toilet, and anyone caught short beyond there faced a gruelling 45 minutes until arriving in Blackpool.
But, he added helpfully, “If anyone’s desperate, let me know and I’ll figure something out”.
I was getting off at Halifax anyway, so don’t know how this exercise in lavatory logistics turned out during the rest of what would be a much-delayed journey to Blackpool.
But as I watched the train leave, I couldn’t help thinking about the passengers at those stations where the toilets weren’t working desperately waiting for its arrival, assuming they could use the one on board. I’ll bet the guard’s ingenuity in figuring something out was needed before the end of the line.
Full marks to him, by the way. His concern for the passengers was spot-on, in both deciding to allow the train to run so that their journeys were disrupted as little as possible, and for being so considerate of their welfare.
In everything he said and did, he was cheerful, candid and practical. Nobody on board could have had a bad word for him.
The people in charge at Northern and Network Rail, responsible for the train and the stations, are a different matter.
They deserve a kick up the backside for depriving paying customers of as basic and essential an amenity as toilets.
That service encompassed everything that’s slipshod, wrong and couldn’t-care-less about our railways. Who the hell can possibly think it acceptable to send a train out to begin a two-hour journey without a working toilet?