'It wasn't until he died I could fully start healing' - Domestic abuse survivors reflect on years of trauma

It didn’t matter that she was 350 miles away from the place in Scotland she had called home for more than two decades, finally, she could breathe again. “I remember thinking this is my chance,” she reflects now. “The refuge saved my life.”

Charmian was among victim survivors who shared their lived experience of domestic abuse with Attorney General Ellie Reeves when she visited the refuge earlier this month as part of her resolve to tackle violence and coercion against women and girls.

Speaking to The Yorkshire Post afterwards, Charmian told how she had met her perpetrator online whilst in recovery from addiction. By the time she fled to the refuge, they had been in a relationship for ten years.

“When I look back, I can see everything in technicolour but whilst I was being coercively controlled and gaslit, I had no idea what was going on,” the 53-year-old says. “By the end of the ten years, I had severe concerns about my mental health. I was looking at getting myself into a clinic or something. I ended up relapsing after 13 years recovery too, which saved my life really because he also relapsed as well and he couldn’t spin his plates anymore and it all came tumbling down quickly…

“The police in Scotland were brilliant. The head of the domestic abuse unit got personally involved in my case and a MARAC meeting (Multi-Agency Risk Assessment Conference) was called - I was at risk of murder.”

"I was so traumatised that I don’t even remember what happened then,” she continues. “The next thing I know, I was on the phone to this refuge in Sheffield. It was the only place in the country that would take my dogs – they were what had kept me going and what gave me purpose.”

Charmian did little more than sleep for the first two weeks. “They give you the space and the time to allow you to be where you’re at with no pressure so you can de-escalate because the trauma you’re experiencing and the adrenaline you’re running off is unbelievable,” she says.

She spent 15 months being supported by the refuge and says it helped her find strength to face the court process. But her perpetrator died suddenly of a heart attack, just weeks before the case. “It wasn’t until he died that I could fully start healing,” she says. “And still today when I see a car that was the same as his, I stop in my tracks.”

Mikaela King (not her real name) also spoke to the Attorney General, with a very different experience. She will always remain tied to her perpetrator – for they share a son together. “When I first met him, I had good friends, a job, my own place, a good life,” she says. “By the time I walked through the refuge doors, I’d got no friends, no family, just a black bag. He took it all slowly but surely.”

For years, she didn’t recognise she was in an abusive relationship – until an incident landed her in hospital “and it was taken out of my hands”. “For four weeks after arriving at the refuge, I didn’t come out of my room,” she says. “I didn’t know if I wanted to fight or be on this planet...But the night he assaulted me did me the biggest favour ever because I’m the person I am now thanks to the refuge.”

Mikaela, who spent nine months there, says she decided not to pursue her perpetrator through court in order to protect their son, who still has regular contact with his father. The story, she claims, may have been different had it not take more than a year for the CPS to bring charges against him and had there been greater support services in place during and after the process for her son.

"It’s great somebody from Government is listening,” she says of the Attorney General visit. Ms Reeves, who was appointed to the role in July, said afterwards how victim survivors “deserve to be listened to, deserve to be supported every step of the way and deserve to have a system that works for them and not against them”. The visit, she said, had renewed her resolve for that work.

Hollie Venn, Chief Executive of Sheffield Women’s Aid, says it was important someone in a “key position to be able to make changes” was able to hear directly from those affected by domestic abuse and see first-hand the impact of the charity, which was set up more than 50 years ago. “We want survivors to have confidence and trust in the (criminal justice) system, that it’s there to help them, and actually where perpetrators are held accountable,” she says. Refuge spaces and sustainable funding for organisations supporting survivors is also vital.

“We see women coming who are quite understandably at the worst point in their lives and we meet women and children who have experienced significant bravery in reaching out for support and accessing a service like ours. They often arrive with very little or nothing and we work with them to rebuild their lives. We facilitate that but the very real bravery is done by the women and children that come to our services...We see people go through a period of change, regain their voice, regain their agency and regain their confidence.”

It’s why the word ‘survivor’ is so important to Charmian. “I have recovered and we can recover. If I stay in victim mode, he’s still winning. He’s still got control over me - and he doesn’t any more. I’ve survived and healed, I’m no longer a victim. I want to share that message of hope with other women. Reach out (for help). It’s going to be tough, but fight, keep going, and there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I’m living proof of that.”

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