James Barr: I wrote a comedy show about domestic abuse because I couldn't be silent any more
They are two words not often used together – silly and important. But it’s how comedian, podcaster and radio presenter James Barr describes the stand-up show he’s bringing to Yorkshire this month.
Some people told the 40-year-old that writing and performing an hour of comedy about domestic abuse might be offensive. Yet that’s exactly why Barr felt he “had to” do it – for when we can laugh at our worst experiences, they lose their grip on us, he says. “I couldn’t be silent really. And I like laughing at things that hurt me because it means they don’t hurt me anymore. It felt like something I had to do. It didn’t feel like a choice...”
Sorry I Hurt Your Son – the title comes from an ex-boyfriend’s final words to Barr’s mother that were written in a Christmas card – is a one-man story about domestic abuse in a queer relationship “and the chaos of trying to understand that”. Survivor stories are so often “heavy-handed”, Barr says, and that made it harder for him to spot abuse, even when living through it.
“I don’t want other people to go through that. It was a very surprising thing, for me, to happen. I didn’t expect it. I think we often pathologise abusers as being evil and think it’s the victim’s fault for not noticing it but that wasn’t my experience and I wanted to make people aware this could literally be happening next door or could happen to them. We should talk about it in the same way that we talk about someone cheating on us or a partner leaving the toilet seat up… We’re embarrassed and we’re carrying shame but we shouldn’t do because it’s not our shame (to carry).”
The show has evolved as Barr has processed what happened to him. His writing journey began two years ago in 2023 with him simply noting down his feelings on a piece of paper and then reading them aloud to an audience. Taking that show to different places, including at the Edinburgh Festival and as far as Australia, has helped Barr’s healing process and he says he’s since been able to find light and humour in the darker moments for the show’s reincarnation. “I was crying in Edinburgh in 2023 at work in progress and the audience were crying with me,” he reflects. “It was really hard.
“I didn’t trust (the show) and felt guilty that I was performing comedy about abuse. It felt like the wrong thing to do. It felt like I was minimising abuse itself. Then I suppose I’ve realised that that’s what I was doing throughout the relationship – I was minimising and ignoring it. By doing what I’m doing now, I’m highlighting the minimising that we all take part in as a society in order to try to combat that.”
Barr, who lives in London, was recently named as one of the British LGBT Awards 2025 Top 10 Public Figures, recognising people who are providing a positive representation of the community. He was nominated for raising awareness about domestic violence in LGBTQ+ relationships both through his comedy show and in public speaking.
Barr is also the co-founder and host of LGBTQ+ podcast A Gay And A NonGay. The podcast sees Barr and co-host Dan Hudson dive into conversations around day-to-day life, homophobia, dating, coming out and mental health. Their mission, the duo say, is “to talk openly, and promote equality, freedom and friendship whilst making our listeners laugh”. “I’m really proud of (the podcast),” Barr notes. “It’s helped me find who I am and helped the listeners find who they are. It’s been amazing.”
Barr was in his mid-teens when he opened up about his own sexuality. “I don’t feel like I had good examples of love in my life growing up and I think that probably left me open to a distorted kind of love,” he says. “I was constantly trying to seek validation from the world and partners. Because I was born in the 80s, it was quite difficult coming out. You grow up feeling like the world doesn’t want you or that you don’t deserve love so I was really searching for it.”
“I told my mum I was gay and she said ‘shh the window’s open and I don’t want the neighbours to hear you’,” he continues. “But my mum is also amazing now. At the time there was so much shame about being gay. That’s another thing that’s empowering in the show I think, the refusal to accept shame.”
Barr is living out his childhood dreams by working both in comedy and in radio. These days, he is presenting every weekday across the UK on The Hits Radio Breakfast Show alongside Fleur East and Matt Haslam, but he spent some of the early days of his career living at Brewery Wharf in Leeds, whilst hosting the Galaxy FM evening show and DJing at venues across the city. “It was quite wild,” he recalls. “The amount of alcohol thrown at me was crazy. But it was always so much fun. It felt like a mini Ibiza.”
Now, Barr is looking forward to being back in Yorkshire, when he brings his show on tour to Leeds and Hull. Laughter, for him, has always been a powerful weapon against life’s harshest blows and he hopes, by speaking out about his experiences, to give voice to the around one in five adults who experience domestic abuse in the UK in their lifetimes. “I hope to free people from the burden that abuse puts on you and help you find your way through it,” he says. “The show is not just funny, it’s very impactful and important for the world.”
“I was so scared for so long that someone would be an abuser in the audience who would come up and hit me or something,” he admits. “I think it’s a very joyful show weirdly. It’s always been really overwhelmingly positive.”
James Barr is due to bring Sorry I Hurt Your Son (Said My Ex To My Mum) to the Pyramid Canteen, Leeds University Union, on May 11 and to Hull Truck Theatre on June 7.