If you can be flexible about the apples, I can be flexible about the salary - Chris Waters

On that basis, and if they’re prepared to overlook my brush with the law at the age of seven for scrumping apples, I might just throw my hat into the ring.

The demand for “a minimum ECB Level 3 coaching qualification or equivalent” might be a problem - would they accept a Grade Three piano certificate, perhaps? - but working to the Championship Manager-type theory that I once led England to glory in a cricket computer game, then why not?

Right, let’s get into the nitty-gritty of my application.

It says in the advert that they want “an exceptional leader able to build and foster a high performance culture where everyone feels safe”.

By “safe”, they presumably mean the absolute imperative of protecting people’s health, wellbeing, rights, etc.

They presumably don’t mean a situation - if a little levity might be permitted - where players feel unsafe because someone is waiting to whack them as soon as they step out the shower, or shoot them with an air rifle if they drop a catch.

In passing, it might be noted that no one felt safe when Brian Close was driving his Yorkshire team-mates to away games, a copy of the Racing Post draped across the steering wheel as he navigated the nation’s highways at Formula One speed.

Switching sports, it is interesting, too, to ponder what a Brian Clough, say, or an Alex Ferguson might have made of things, with the job advert/key responsibilities highlighting the changing nature of what is expected of managers and coaches across all sports as distinct from simply trying to win matches/trophies.

Why, you can almost hear Clough saying, re the “safe” business... “Safe? Safes are for keeping valuables in, young man.” Or Ferguson protesting - hairdryer in hand - that “if it’s ‘safe’ they want, they’d be better off appointing a cuddly toy.” How times change.

Right, back to the application.

The form on the website asks for your name.

That’s easy. It’s Chris Waters.

Email?

[email protected]

Phone number?

Can I give you The Yorkshire Post subscription number? It's 0330 4030066.

What is your motivation for applying for this role?

Well, to be perfectly honest, it’s financial. Yes, I quite fancy earning a head coach’s wage. Look, covering cricket is great, a privilege, but no one goes into provincial journalism because it pays big bucks. It’s more of a vocation - a calling, if you will.

Beyond that, I’d also like to trot out cliches to journalists as opposed to eliciting them from others.

I’d love to say to my replacement at The Yorkshire Post, for example, pearls of piffle such as: We’re going to take each game as it comes… We can’t control the weather… We’re going to enjoy tonight… You’ve got to give credit to the opposition… We’ll have to be at our best to beat them… Division Two is a tough division to get out of… and so on.

I’d also like to watch and enjoy some cricket without having to wrack my brains for yet another intro/theme. So, there’s plenty of motivation, to be fair.

What are your salary expectations for the role?

Well, they’re massive. What was Gough on again - £260,000? I’ll have some of that, thanks, and you can chuck in a car while you’re at it - a large one.

Ok, I suppose I could be flexible salary-wise. Tell you what, I’ll take half of that - or even half of that. Look, we can talk about all that at the interview.

What is your current notice period?

No idea, to be fair. What’s yours? Again, we can discuss all that later.

And so there you have it.

No need to look any further, Yorkshire. Why, all you have to do is think outside the box and appoint someone who’s been covering your fortunes for 20 years, saving yourself a bit o’ brass in the process. Simples.

And as for the criminal record thing, well, come to think of it, the scrumping for apples business must surely have expired by now under the Rehabilitation of Offenders Act 1974.

So, all that remains is to find/dig out that Grade Three piano certificate.

I know it’s somewhere...