New Zealand v England: Bad day at the office for the Bazball brigade

Having already achieved a series win, the Bazballers’ bid for a 3-0 whitewash was surely ended at Seddon Park, barring the caveat that if anyone can extricate themselves from the predicament in which England languish - 340 behind, with New Zealand 136-3 in their second innings - it is the England of Ben Stokes and Brendon McCullum.

Morgan’s X bio these days, a quick search revealed, kind of sums up the Bazball philosophy. “Live every day as if it’s your last, because one day you’ll be right,” it proclaims.

Just as England live by the sword, so they die by the sword, treating Kipling’s imposters just the same.

Should they lose here, which seems overwhelmingly probable, it would be their eighth defeat to go with nine victories in 17 Tests in 2024, the sort of edge-of-the-seat record that makes them so compelling.

This was what is commonly known as a bad day at the office, the sort that starts when one arrives to find an unknown vehicle in one’s parking spot, that the drinks machine has run out of coffee, and that no one is answering the phones in IT to offer the usual: “Have you tried switching it off and switching it on again?”

Matters began unpromisingly, and not a little bafflingly, when England’s attempt to break the last-wicket stand - after New Zealand resumed at 315-9 - essentially consisted of putting so many men on the boundary to Mitchell Santner, the senior partner, that one half-imagined that the square had been booby-trapped.

Santner, a left-hander with a Test hundred to his name, simply turned down singles in the usual manner until near or at the end of an over, protecting last man Will O’Rourke while picking off any boundaries on offer.

It took a drinks break to end the boredom, following a curious “big first hour”, when Matthew Potts bowled Santner for 76, his second-highest Test score, as the Durham man finished with 4-90, New Zealand having extended by 32 their overnight score to reach 347.

It felt as if England lost a bit of their edge during that 60 minutes, a little of their usual up-and-at-’em spark, a feeling intensified when both openers fell cheaply in reply.

Zak Crawley, having hit four lovely fours off Tim Southee’s first over (the latter playing his final Test, the former playing what some believe should be his final Test), got a leading edge back to Matt Henry, who then nipped one back to pin Ben Duckett.

Jacob Bethell and Joe Root lifted the score to 77 after lunch before a decisive intervention by O’Rourke, the 6ft-plenty pace bowler who whipped up speeds in excess of 90mph.

Bethell, discomforted, slashed a loose drive to point in an effort to break the pressure; Harry Brook chopped on first ball to one that angled back in, and Root, cramped for room like a man on the Tube, was caught in the gully, trying to cut.

Suddenly, 77-2 had become 82-5, and O’Rourke’s performance was no doubt being closely observed on t’other side of ditch, where Travis Head and Steve Smith were busy taking it to India.

Back in Hamilton, the skies a sweet blue, the atmosphere pleasant, Ollie Pope and Ben Stokes added 52, playing nicely only for Santner to go bang-bang in successive overs to have Pope caught at slip and Stokes trapped sweeping. After Gus Atkinson chipped Henry to mid-on, Santner bagged his third when Brydon Carse hit back a return, a replay needed to show that he had not first hit the ball into the ground.

When Potts skied Henry into the offside, England had lost 5-9 amid an overall decline of 8-66 to be dismissed for 143 inside 36 overs, the sort of grim collapse that seemed strangely familiar.

Despite leading by 204, New Zealand opted not to enforce the follow-on with over three days left and put more miles into the legs of England’s bowlers.

Tom Latham, the captain, chopped on with the score at 35, trying to force Atkinson through the offside, but fellow opener Will Young played nicely for 60, with New Zealand having looked much better for his presence and that of Santner. Young has never had a Test hundred and would be kicking himself for the manner of his departure, pulling Stokes straight to Bethell at mid-wicket.

O’Rourke survived just eight balls this time in the role of nightwatchman, edging Stokes behind, but Kane Williamson eased to an unbeaten half-century at a ground where he averages in the mid-90s in Tests, a master craftsman in the throes, perhaps, of crafting another masterpiece.

For England, it was left to assistant coach Paul Collingwood to trot out the usual close-of-play spiel about this group being capable of doing special things, and that it’s not over until the fat lady sings, blah, blah, blah.

As he talked, an image suddenly materialised hereabouts of a feather duster running over the cracks of one of those days.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​