Normal service resumed as England given a thorough sanding down

There was barely enough time to digest Pat Cummins’s explosive press conference in Sydney - in which he dismissed Usman Khawaja’s claims that everyone knew about the sandpaper plot - before England were hammered by seven wickets in Perth.

Australians may have conflicting memories when it comes to DIY, but they seem to have retained their finishing skills where it matters most - on the field.

This was a humbling defeat for England – 1-0 down with two games to play, in Adelaide on Sunday and in Hobart on Wednesday.

Once again, they failed to adapt to the conditions, batting like men setting off for a winter stroll wearing T-shirts and shorts, or wrapped up to the nines in coats and scarves in the middle of a heatwave.

At one point, they were 65-8 - prompting the question: were the Aussies using sandpaper again? - and in danger of rubbing out their own lowest ODI total of 86, against the old enemy at Old Trafford in 2001.

Gus Atkinson, the No 10, helped to avert that embarrassment with an unbeaten 29, the highest score of the innings, but the day belonged to local lad Mahli Beardman, a 21-year-old right-arm pace bowler, whose 6-24 were the best figures by an Australian on ODI debut.

Beardman’s first two wickets were ones for the scrapbook: Harry Brook and Joe Root, both undone by movement away from the bat. England had already lost Ben Duckett and Tom Banton trying to square-drive on the up - a dangerous shot with Perth’s extra bounce.

With Australia’s best bowlers resting ahead of the New Zealand Tests, Beardman seized his chance in style. He had Jordan Cox caught behind defending on the crease, Sam Curran top-edging a hook to fine-leg, and claimed a fifth wicket in his opening spell when Liam Dawson slapped a back-foot drive to backward point.

When Spencer Johnson held a leaping return catch to dismiss Jamie Overton after a cross-batted hack, England were in their 65-8 pickle on a ground where they subsided inside two days last year in the first Ashes Test. Will Jacks and Atkinson took the total to 102 before Jacks was ninth out, prodding a catch behind off Johnson.

Beardman then finished things off when a driving Jofra Archer was caught in the gully, England bowled out for the 15th time in 29 ODIs since Brendon McCullum became coach.

Travis Head dragged on to Atkinson first ball, but England did not take another wicket until Australia were more than halfway to their target. By then, Mitchell Marsh, their captain, had flayed 50 of the 67 runs scored from just 30 balls with four sixes, showing a particular liking for the leg-side boundary.

Twenty-four hours earlier at his pre-match press conference, dominated by a deluge of questions about “sandpaper-gate”, Marsh had determinedly dead-batted everything that came his way. Not this time.

The boundaries at Optus Stadium were not big enough for the man affectionately known as “bison”, who finally holed out on the deep square fence.

Cooper Connolly smacked a rapid 27 before steering Archer to point, leaving Australia 89-3 in the 12th. But there was to be no late wobble or way back for England as Matt Renshaw and Josh Inglis - both born in Yorkshire - guided their team home with an unbroken stand of 43.

Australia won with 159 balls to spare - that’s 26.3 overs in old money - to lift the mood of a depressed nation.

“We didn’t execute as well as we might have done”, England said afterwards, or words to that effect, a euphemism for “they played us off the park”.

And so a fourth defeat in five games for England, who made no impression last month in the Pakistan tri-series.

With the World Cup less than a year away, there will be some concern as to the nature of recent performances.

As Michael Vaughan put it on the radio: “It’s not what it was a year ago, when the message was just ‘we’ll go harder and, if we get bowled out, we’ll go harder the next time’.

“I didn’t see that today, but what I saw were some basic errors on the pitch they’re playing on and for this side to become a side that can win the World Cup in a year, they need to improve quickly”.

#Onon, as the man himself would say.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​