Pakistan v England: And the next award goes to…

Step forward, first, the “Master Blaster of the Match”, one Kamran Ghulam, who last summer played for Hoylandswaine in the Huddersfield Cricket League and who became the first Pakistani to score a hundred on Test debut against England, his efforts underpinning their first innings 366.

Whether a knock of 118 from 224 balls in five hours, six minutes counted as “master blaster” stuff was, of course, moot.

Ben Duckett’s 114 from 129 balls in three hours, four minutes in England’s reply of 291 was, one might have thought, somewhat more worthy, although the diminutive opener did not have to wait long for recognition when he was called up next to receive the accolade of “Striker of the Match”.

Answers on a postcard, by the way, as to what the difference is between “Striker of the Match” and “Master Blaster of the Match”.

The feeling that matters might be going round in circles was perhaps not diminished when, after those categories had been announced, the “Energetic Batter of the Match” was declared.

That went to Salman Ali Agha, who scored 31 in an hour and eight minutes in the first innings, then 63 in two hours and 11 minutes in the second as Pakistan made 221 to leave England needing 297 on a spinning pitch.

According to The Yorkshire Post dictionary (standard issue), energetic means “showing or involving great activity or vitality”, and, as well as Salman played, well... you get the picture.

“Energetic Fielder of the Match”? That went to Mohammad Rizwan, the Pakistan wicketkeeper, for an unremarkable return of two catches and two stumpings.

Rizwan, who is often described as “a character”, apparently a euphemism, is one of those Marmite types who fractures opinion. Just a few weeks ago, Anil Chaudhary, the Indian umpire, somewhat betrayed his stance on the subject when he complained that Rizwan “shouts on every ball and keeps jumping like a pigeon”.

It was food for thought, at any rate, for the presentation organisers, who might consider introducing a “Best Pigeon Impersonation” award for the final Test in Rawalpindi, which starts on Thursday.

“Bowler of the Match” went to Noman Ali, the left-arm spinner who took 8-46 as England were dismissed for 144 to lose by 152 runs before lunch on day four.

Noman claimed 11 wickets in the match and Sajid Khan, the off-spinner, nine, Sajid walking off with the other two prizes - “Outstanding Performance” and “Player of the Match”, his first innings 7-111 having helped to turn the contest Pakistan’s way before he then shared in a vital ninth-wicket stand of 65 with Salman in the hosts’ second innings.

In truth, either Noman or Sajid - the first pair to take all 20 wickets in a Test since Australia’s Bob Massie and Dennis Lillee at Lord’s in 1972 - could have won the bowler, outstanding performance and player awards, although no one, it seemed, was permitted to leave empty-handed.

So much so, one of the few awards not given out was that of “Best Player Who Did Not Receive Any of the Other Awards”, although maybe best not to give these detergent and solar energy companies too many ideas.

Once the official awards had been presented, it was time to ponder one’s personal choices, starting with the “Best Bat Flying Out of the Hands” prize, which shall be given to Ben Stokes. In a moment of high comedy, the England captain’s blade went soaring into the leg-side when he charged Noman and was stumped by Rizwan, whose glovework, of course, was suitably “energetic”.

“Best Dropped Catch”? Sorry Jamie Smith, but the England wicketkeeper will not put down an easier one than his reprieve of Salman off Brydon Carse on the third afternoon. Along with Joe Root’s spill of the same batsman at first slip two balls later, it also incorporated one’s “Key Moment” prize, ensuring that England’s chase would be more mammoth than manageable.

“Best Worst Shot”, as it were? Ollie Pope’s soft caught-and-bowled early on day four set an unhappy tone.

“Best Recycled Pitch on Which England Had Scored Over 800 Runs the Previous Week”? The Multan groundstaff.

“Best Captain Who Had Lost His Previous Six Tests as Captain”? Shan Masood.

And so on...

An award, too, for those who sat through the presentations, which went on almost as long as the match itself.

Some detergent and/or solar energy products are on their way to you as we speak.