The Ashes: “Stag-do” theme continues as wickets fall down like drunks
AN investigation has been launched after England's cricketers were allegedly spotted playing cricket on their tour of Australia.
The incident is said to have taken place at the Melbourne Cricket Ground on Boxing Day.
A spokesperson for the England and Wales Cricket Board said: “We are taking these reports extremely seriously.
“Any suggestion that the players were not drinking in public or practising their golf is, of course, unacceptable.
“We are in the process of establishing the facts and sifting through some 94,000 witness statements.
“In the meantime, we would like to offer our support to anyone who might have been affected.”
If what happened in Noosa appears to have been exaggerated, as we await the outcome of the investigation into England’s alleged drinking activities on the Sunshine Coast, the “stag-do” stories have summed up the tour.
The perception is of a side more interested in letting their hair down and playing golf than doing the job for which they are paid - so handsomely, it might be said, that some central contracts are worth around 25 times the average nurse’s wage.
Alas, the “stag-do” theme continued as wickets tumbled like drunks on day one in Melbourne, 20 of them, no less, as both sides crumbled on an overly-grassed pitch.
Apparently, Matt Page, the Melbourne groundsman, goes by the highfalutin title of Executive Manager of Turf, so it is at least comforting to know that Australia is every bit as ruined as a country as our own.
Leaving aside such scant consolations, this was a poor advert for Test cricket - for pitch preparation, batting techniques, and the health of the five-day game itself.
No one wants to see 20 wickets on day one, and although some might say it was entertainment for a record crowd for a cricket match at the MCG of 94,199, with conditions favouring the seamers, that is open to doubt, with the quality of batting depressing at times.
Nineteen wickets on the first day in Perth last month was bad enough, and that match was over inside two days.
One could only spare a thought for the thousands of England supporters who had travelled to Melbourne, although as some of them belted out Jerusalem and waved at themselves on the big screen like great big idiots, one was left to wonder - not for the first time – how on earth these people find the money.
They are welcome to it on the evidence of this day, one that might have had people switching off their televisions in this country as soon as Brydon Carse opened up with a no-ball. Ugh.
Carse went at five an over in an opening spell on a pitch doing plenty, while Travis Head - supposedly the cream of Australia’s batting - looked so at sea that he could have been out several times before falling to his 22nd ball, dragging on a short delivery from Gus Atkinson as he tried to hit through the offside.
Australia, in truth, were as bad as England – batting conditions hard, but not to this level.
Marnus Labuschagne played an awful shot, driving away from his body at Josh Tongue and edging to first slip.
Steve Smith was bowled through the gate trying to drive Tongue down the ground - another ugly dismissal.
At least Usman Khawaja fell to a good one, Atkinson kissing the outside edge and Snicko - seemingly always on a “stag-do” - confirming the faintest of edges (allegedly, anyway).
Alex Carey flicked Ben Stokes straight into a leg-trap specifically set, elevating careless batting to new levels.
Cameron Green ran himself out like a headless chicken as opposed to a Christmas turkey, dropping Carse into the offside and hesitating fatally before some smart work from the bowler and a dead-eyed throw.
Carse pounced again when Mitchell Starc drove straight up in the air and was caught at mid-off, although replays showed it was surely a no-ball.
Michael Neser was bowled through a gate wider than the Hutton Gates at Headingley by Tongue, who finished with 5-45 at just under four runs an over when Scott Boland defended him into the slips with a crooked bat.
Australia were all-out for 152 in 45.2 overs, with Neser’s 35 the paltry top score.
England could scarcely believe their luck but, it almost goes without saying, fared no better when they had a try.
When Duckett spooned Starc to mid-on, Jacob Bethell edged Neser behind and Zak Crawley pushed at Starc and was caught in the slips, the tourists were 8-3 inside five overs.
Harry Brook’s response was to charge his first ball from Starc and play a wild fresh air shot that drew gasps.
It was the shot of a man who was clearly not going to die wondering but who was, it seemed, determined to die somehow, although without Brook’s crazy 41 England would perhaps already be dead.
After Joe Root played a shuffling defensive shot at Neser and was caught behind, Brook was trapped lbw by Boland, who then beat Jamie Smith’s planted front foot with one that bowled him through the gate before nicking off Will Jacks.
Ben Stokes flashed Neser into the slips, Carse pulled the same man to deep square and Green bowled Atkinson as he backed away to try to hit to the offside.
England were all-out for 110 in 29.5 overs before Australia finished on 4-0 in their second innings after Boland was promoted to open.
It was the most wickets on the opening day of an Ashes Test since 1909, and only the ninth time in Tests that the third innings has started on day one.
Afterwards, the players no doubt got completely hammered and hung each other’s underpants on the nearest telegraph pole.