Expert Answers: Why does my father hate new husband?

Since I remarried just over a year ago, I've been incredibly happy with my new husband, apart from one thing. He and my dad just don't get on at all. I tried to introduce my new husband in to the relationship but my dad made him so unwelcome that he just didn't want to go. I can't understand why my dad's behaving like this.

You cannot make people like one another and, for some reason, your father has taken against your husband.

It may have nothing to do with him, personally, it may be that your father simply resents another man coming between you again.

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

Or perhaps he feels his role as the most important man in the lives of your children has been usurped.

Another possible alternative is that he knows something about your husband that you don't.

Have you tried to talk to him about the problem?

Your father needs to know that you miss the times you used to spend with him and your mother so that he still feels valued but don't let him think things will go back to the way they were.

Make him understand that your husband is part of your life now and that you would like the two men who are important to you to at least try to get on.

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

It is important that the children continue to have a relationship with their grandparents, so make sure you organise visits from time to time, even if your husband does not come with you.

If, however, there is a good reason why your father dislikes your husband it may be best to keep them apart.

That should not mean you and the children never see your parents though, just, perhaps, less often than before.

The relationship between fathers and daughters is an interesting one.

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

It doesn't matter how old you are, but there tends to be a protective streak in most fathers when it comes to their daughters.

I think that this is what could be happening here; but added to that there may be some resentment towards your new husband.

In terms of the protective bit, I suspect that your father is (probably subconsciously) afraid that this new man in your life is either going to let you down as your first husband may have done and/or as a result of this you and your children are going to be hurt again.

You say that you spent a lot of time with your parents after your divorce and your father may well have reverted to the role of protecting and looking out for you.

Paul Charlson

GP from Brough

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

If your husband is a good man which he sounds as if he is, then your father has an issue which needs resolving.

I think you should ask him what the problem is. Clearly there is a time and place for this but the issue needs confronting. This is far better than leaving it to fester and not seeing your parents as a result.

This will in the long run have an effect on your relationship with your husband.

There may be a range of reasons for your father's behaviour and these will often centre on him having protective feelings towards you. His behaviour is not helping you quite the opposite in fact and therefore needs to cease.

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

You might ask your mother to help and act as a facilitator in further discussions between you and your father.

Elaine Douglas

A chartered psychologist who specialises in family and child relationships

The break-up of a marriage is always traumatic and it's natural that you should have spent time with your parents and looked to them for support. You now have someone new in your life – so their role is in a sense redundant.

It is possible that your father resents this in some way. He may feel that his place in your life has been usurped.

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

It is obvious that you care very much about your parents and miss them. Your husband makes you happy, which is the important thing, so I would be tempted to see your parents on your own (initially).

I think that this is something you need to discuss in an open way to find out exactly why your father is so hostile. Would your mother be on your side? However, beware that your father doesn't see this as the two of you "ganging up" on him.

Try to make your father aware that you have valued his help and support, but you do need to stand your ground – I think he will come round to the idea in time.

Cary Cooper

Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

I think you need to find out why your father feels the way he does. I would suggest finding a time and space to explore this with him without your mother or anybody else being present.

If there is some event you and your dad used to do together (like attending a football match or going to a garden centre), then I would suggest you try to arrange something that would enable you two to be alone in this pleasant environment, so that you can surface the issue with him.

You will never be able to guess what it is that is inhibiting him unless you ask, and fairly directly as well. You need to know why he is hostile to resolve the issue once and for all. Don't be afraid of direct confrontation if the context is right.

Dr Carol Burniston

Consultant Clinical Child Psychologist

There are several possible problems here, but the only solution is to talk to your mother and father and explain how being caught in the middle is affecting you.

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

It sounds as if your parents were very supportive of you and your children after your divorce. They probably feel a little afraid that you may experience the same upheaval and unhappiness in future. Your parents have also had a lot of contact with you and their grandchildren and may be missing the weekends you all used to spend together.

Explore their feelings and any concerns they may have. Is there something that they would like to be reassured about? Are they feeling excluded from your new life? Do they feel that your new husband has a good relationship with your children?

If it is the case that your father is the one with the issues and your mother is more positive, seek her help in encouraging him to give your new husband a chance.

Related topics: